Lucas' Song
by Chance
Summary: Lucas tries to commit suicide. non "steps" universe.


Rated: R for disturbing content and language and suicide theme. Not part of my "steps" universe.

As always, thanks to Cara, who "harassed" me the entire writing process. (all four hours of it, LOL) And to ELFy, couldn't have been done without either one of you...hehe

And now I'm done, everyone can stop hiding.....

Fifteen year-old Lucas Wolenczak looked up from the microscope as Captain Nathan Bridger entered the lab. Smiling, the Captain spotted Lucas and walked over to where the boy was graphing the results of his latest experiment. If Nathan remembered right, it was something having to do with the effects of Trinitine-F (a fairly new substance that acted like chloroform, only about ten times as lethal) on the local sea life.  
He watched as Lucas lifted a dropper full of T-F from the clear glass beside him and apply it to the slide in the microscope. He looked into the view piece and sighed, clearly not getting the result he wanted. Lucas picked up another glass next to him, and took a drink. Nathan reached out a hand to stop him, then realized it was only water.   
"Hey Lucas. How's it coming?" Nathan asked. Lucas smiled ruefully.  
"It's not actually. I can't seem to get any results....at all." Nathan smiled at the pout he heard in Lucas' voice. Lucas may have been a genius, but he could whine just as well as any kid out there.   
"Maybe you should take a break." He held up his hand as Lucas opened his mouth to protest. "I don't mean now. I can see that you're in the middle of it. Why don't you meet me and the others in the mess in a couple of hours for dinner? We haven't seen a lot of you since you started this." Lucas flushed at the faint reproach he heard in Nathan's voice. Nathan smiled kindly at him. "Besides, you might _actually_ enjoy the break. Stranger things have happened." Lucas glared at him, but Nathan could see the faint laughter trembling at the corners of his mouth.  
"Fine...sir. I'll meet you there." Lucas said mock angrily. Nathan laughed and clapped him on the shoulder before heading out the door. Taking a quick glance behind him, he saw Lucas' messy blond head bent once more over the microscope.  
  
******  
  
An hour later, Nathan stood on the bridge, talking quietly to Jonathon Ford, his CO. They looked up started as a frantic cry came over the speakers.  
"I need a med team in the lab, NOW!!" yelled the voice of Dr. Kristin Westphalen, sounding more panicked then anyone could remember hearing her. "...and bring a resuscitation kit! It's Lucas....he's not breathing." Nathan's eyes widened, and he was racing down the corridor before he even realized he'd moved at all.  
"Please, let him be all right," he thought. "Please."  
  
******  
  
Nathan was pacing an angry path outside the surgery room, when Kristin walked out tiredly an hour later. She looked like hell, her hair disheveled, and a sheen of sweat only now drying. Her eyes were still bright from the adrenaline she'd been relying on for the past hour, and Nathan could see the worry clouding them.   
"What's wrong with him Kristin? Is he all right?" he asked hurriedly. Kristin tiredly held up her hands and tried to direct him into her office, but he stood rooted to the spot. Sighing, she finally got him to sit on the bench lining the wall.  
"Nathan," she said slowly, trying to figure out the best way to break it to him. "I don't know if he'll make it," she finally said bluntly. Nathan's eyes widened in shock and he sat back stunned.  
"What?" he whispered. She looked at him sympathetically, feeling the same horror and shock that he felt. "Somehow, he ingested a large amount of Trinitine-F. We pumped his stomach, but I'm afraid a good portion of it had already absorbed into his bloodstream. There is a good chance we could lose him," she finished in a whisper.  
Banging his fist into his leg, Nathan stood up and resumed his pacing.  
"I only wish I knew how he managed to drink so much of it!" Kristin exclaimed. Nathan froze as he remembered the two glasses of liquid sitting near Lucas' elbow. Both clear. Both odorless. Both almost tasteless. Lucas wouldn't have known the difference if he'd grabbed the T-F instead of the water. Not before it was too late.  
  
******  
  
A week had gone by, and Lucas still hadn't woken up. Nathan sighed as he looked at the pale figure laying in the hospital bed. Lucas looked so small laying there. So incredibly fragile and vulnerable. The slow beeping of the heart monitor filled the silent room. Strange that such a small, tinny sound had such importance lying on it. A life was literally hanging in the balance. If that beeping stopped....  
Nathan wrenched his mind away from that train of thought. Lucas couldn't die! He just couldn't. He was too young; he had too much left to give to the world.   
Nathan looked up as a nurse came in to check Lucas' progress, and sighed again when she slowly shook her head. No progress. Lucas hadn't made any headway since he'd been found by Kristin a week ago, and it didn't look like he would be anytime soon.  
He stood up suddenly, unable to bare the small confines of the room any longer. He needed to be someplace he could "connect" to Lucas. Someplace where he could feel Lucas' presence. Even if it was only a feeling of Lucas, not the real thing.  
  
******  
  
Nathan cringed when he opened Lucas' door. The place looked like a hurricane had hit, but that wasn't why. He could remember telling Lucas to clean it just a day before he'd collapsed. Lucas had said he'd take care of it when he could, and Nathan had left, shaking his head over yet another "discussion" about the boy's room. He felt a wave of remorse as it occurred to him that he may not be able to yell at Lucas again about the state of his room.  
Heavy hearted, he sat down on the bed, sinking into the depression still left behind from when Lucas had last slept there. He closed his eyes and breathed in the faint scent still lingering in the room. Memories assailed him, and he felt two tears slip from behind his eyelids and roll slowly down his cheeks.  
"Don't die Lucas, please," he whispered. Sniffing, he placed a hand behind him to push himself up, and heard paper crackle. He grabbed it and held it up, seeing a regular envelope sagging at the end from the heavy object inside. It was addressed to him.  
Slowly, he tore it open, wondering what could be inside. A CD fell out into his waiting hand followed closely by a slip of paper. Looking around, he spotted Lucas' CD player sitting by his computer. Hurriedly, he walked over and put the CD in the drive, flicking the play button. As the music poured out from the speakers, he unfolded the paper. The lyrics of the song registered and his eyes widened in horror as he looked at the two words scrawled on the paper.  
He jammed his finger onto the stop button, almost breaking it with his force. Grabbing the CD, he rushed from the room, calling an emergency staff meeting over his PAL.  
  
******  
  
The senior bridge crew looked up expectantly when he rushed in a few minutes later, Kristin growing very concerned when she took in his wild eyed gaze. Nathan abruptly sat down, almost collapsing into his chair.   
"I'm sure you're all wondering why I called this meeting." At their nods, he continued. "I was in Lucas' room and I found this." He held up the CD and the piece of paper. "Lucas had them in an envelope addressed to me. I-" He broke off as the emotions he was feeling started to choke his throat. Silently, he placed the CD in a port and pushed the play button. The song started to waft through the room:  
  
I never thought I'd die alone  
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?  
I traced the cord back to the wall  
No wonder it was never plugged in at all  
I took my time, I hurried up  
The choice was mine I didn't think enough  
I'm too depressed to go on  
You'll be sorry when I'm gone  
I never conquered, rarely came  
16 just held such better days  
Days when I still felt alive  
We couldn't wait to get outside  
The world was wide, too late to try  
The tour was over I'd survived  
I couldn't wait til I got home  
To pass the time in my room alone  
I never thought I'd die alone   
Another six months I'll be unknown   
Give all my things to all my friends   
You'll never set foot in my room again   
You'll close it off, board it up  
Remember the time I spilled the cup  
Of apple juice in the hall  
Please tell mom this is not her fault  
I never conquered, rarely came  
But tomorrow holds such better days   
Days when I can still feel alive  
When I can't wait to get outside  
The world is wide, the time goes by  
The tour is over, I've survived  
I can't wait til I get home  
To pass the time in my room alone  
  
The room was silent as the last strains of the song played. Kristin looked at Nathan in shock.  
"But...but this could mean anything. Nathan, you don't think-" Nathan put up his hand to stop her.  
"I wasn't sure, until I read this." He held the paper up so they could all see the words scrawled across it in Lucas' messy handwriting:  
  
"FORGIVE ME"  
  
Ben slammed his fist angrily against the table and swore under his breath. Ford and Katie glanced at each other, while the rest of the crew just sat there stunned.  
"Why?? Why would Lucas want to...." Ben angrily broke off, not even able to finish the sentence. Nathan looked at him sadly.  
"I just don't know. I wish I did, or at least I wish I could have seen the signs that he was going to do this. Maybe I could have stopped him from trying to ...kill himself," he pushed out, guilt hanging from every syllable. Kristin patted his hand, tears shimmering in her eyes.  
"This is not your fault Nathan. You have to know that. _None_ of us suspected _anything_ like this. Lucas is very good at hiding his true feelings, you _know_ that!" Nathan squeezed her hand gratefully, and she smiled at him.  
"However," she said, "it does explain why he hasn't woken up yet. The T-F has worked it's way completely out of his system, and I had expected him to make _some_ progress, but he's still back where he was a week ago. Don't you see?" She said to their concerned faces, "He doesn't _want_ to wake up!"  
Ortiz sucked in a breath, and glanced over at Tim and the others. He could see the guilt mirrored on their faces, as each thought about every time they had yelled, or lost patience with Lucas. If he'd thought for one moment that Lucas was capable of suicide, he'd have been more careful about the teenager's feelings. They all would have.  
Deep down inside, the all knew that it wasn't their fault. They all cared for Lucas very deeply, and had treated him like an equal, in friendship, in work, and in trouble. In the end, the choice hadn't been theirs. It had been Lucas'.  
  
******  
  
Lucas blearily opened his eyes and looked around him, confused until he remembered what had happened. What he'd done. The Trinitine-F hadn't hurt going down, hadn't even tasted like anything much, but oh had it hurt when it had hit his stomach. He'd felt like it was burning a hole right through him, and he'd panicked at first, wondering what the hell he had done. Then the thoughts had come again. About that day, that month, that year. His entire life. He'd been grateful then for the pain. It meant that he was going to finally be free of this life that hated him so much. He'd escape his uncaring parents, the stress of being who he was, and what he was capable of.   
Regret had set in almost immediately after the gratitude. Not regret that he was going to die, but regret that he was going to hurt the people who loved him. Hopefully, one day, they'd be able to forgive him. That was his last conscious thought before the pain had caused him to black out.  
And now, here he was. In Medbay, hooked up to almost every machine he could think of, and still alive. Damnit! Why'd they have to save him?   
He looked around wildly, hoping to see anything that might help him, but there was nothing. he heard a tapping on the glass across the room, and looked over to see Darwin staring at him, smiling his dolphin smile. Lucas smiled back and reached up to flick the machine's alarm off.   
Grimacing, he pulled the IV out of his arm, feeling surprisingly good as the adrenaline rushed through his body. He detached himself from the rest of the machines and stood up on shaky legs. He walked over to the vocoder mounted on the wall, and flicked it on.  
"Hey Darwin," he said, "want to play?" Darwin nodded his head excitedly and rushed down the tube, heading for the moonpool. Lucas' smile faded and he sighed as he headed out of the room, stopping only to put on the jeans and shirt someone had thoughtfully left behind.  
  
******  
  
Nathan walked slowly down to the Medbay an hour or so later. They'd gone over and over it again and again. Why would he do it? Why hadn't they seen it? What could they do? Unfortunately, there really wasn't anything they could do, but pray that Lucas pulled through, and try to show him how much he was loved.  
Sighing, Nathan turned the corner into Lucas' room and stopped in his tracks. His uncomprehending eyes took in the empty bed, the hanging IV bottle with the tube attached to nothing, and the silent machines. He rushed over to the com unit and called hurriedly for Kristin.  
She rushed into the room a few moments later, completely out of breath and her eyes widened in shock as she took in the room.  
"Where is he?" she asked incredulously. Nathan shrugged.  
"I was going to ask you the same thing. Would any of your staff have moved him for any reason?" She shook her head vehemently.  
"No, not without telling me first. The only other explanation is that Lucas did this, "she said, gesturing to the bed. "At least, that's the only thing I can think of." Her eyes widened again as a thought struck her. "Nathan, we don't know what kind of state of mind he's in. He could do anything."   
He was already reaching for his PAL, the voiced thought slamming into him with enough force to send him almost reeling. If Lucas had woken up, and he was lucid enough to realize what had happened, there was no telling what he was capable of!  
  
******  
  
Nathan and Kristin raced onto the bridge where the other members of the senior crew were waiting impatiently for them.  
"Okay, the last anyone saw of Lucas was about two hours ago. A nurse checked his vitals and then left. No one's seen or heard from him since." Nathan said hurriedly, out of breath.  
Ford nodded.  
"Where could he have gone?" he asked, not really expecting an answer.  
"Darwin, Lucas play!" Darwin said excitedly from the vocoder. Nathan walked over to him and gently patted his head.  
"Not right now pal. Lucas can't play yet." Darwin chattered excitedly.  
"Lucas, Darwin _already_ play!" Nathan looked at the dolphin, confused until the meaning behind Darwin's words finally struck him.  
"Darwin, do you mean that you've seen Lucas?" Darwin nodded. "Well, where is he? Do you know?" Darwin nodded again.  
"Darwin, Lucas go swimming. Lucas want to see land, so Darwin swim Lucas to island." Nathan sighed.  
"What island Darwin? Can you show us?" Darwin nodded happily.  
"Darwin show Bridger. Bridger help Lucas fly."   
"What?" Nathan asked, confused.  
"Lucas fly!" Darwin repeated. All the air rushed out of Nathan's lungs and he felt like someone had punched his gut. Darwin couldn't mean-  
"Crocker, get a launch ready! Mr. Ortiz, I need a fix on the closest island to us! Darwin, can you go out and show us where you took Lucas?" Darwin chattered again and swam off, heading for the sea doors.   
"Nathan," Kristin grabbed his arm and he could see the terror shining from her eyes. He knew his were showing the same thing and he swallowed roughly, trying to clear his head.  
"We'll get to him. We have to." Nathan said determinedly, rushing for the launch bay, as Ortiz relayed the coordinates of the nearest islands to the waiting launch. They had very little time.  
  
******  
  
The launch followed closely behind Darwin as the dolphin swam to where he'd taken Lucas. They came to an island roughly ten minutes after they'd left seaQuest, and they hurriedly embarked.  
"Jonathon, you, O'Neill, Ortiz, and the doctor head up that way. Crocker, Hitchcock, Krieg and I'll go this way." They started to separate when Katie let out a loud scream.  
"Lucas!" She pointed up and to the right and they looked to over to see Lucas, standing at the edge of a cliff over looking the ocean.   
"Lucas! No!" Nathan shouted, taking off running for the cliff, the others close behind him. They climbed hurriedly, never taking their eyes from the boy perched at the edge of the cliff. He hadn't moved for which Nathan was profoundly grateful.   
They reached the level area at the top of the cliff and started running for Lucas. Nathan quickly outdistanced the others, even out running the younger men as the adrenaline and fear coursed through his body. He was about 15 yards ahead of them and about 10 yards away from Lucas, when the boy spread his arms out to his side and took another step closer to the edge. One more step and he'd fall.  
Nathan pushed forward, running faster than he ever had in his life. Lucas raised his foot and took the last step forward. Nathan dived desperately, fear giving him the added distance he needed. He grabbed a handful of Lucas' shirt and pulled him back, the force toppling them both backwards.  
They rolled down the slight incline and slowed to a stop, Lucas landing half on top of Nathan. Nathan struggled to sit up and he embraced the boy to him. Lucas started to sob and his body shook from the force of them. Nathan just held him to him, his own tears running silently down his face. He saw the crew stop and look away from them, giving them the space they needed.  
"Wh-why?" Lucas sobbed. Nathan stroked his hair and rocked slightly, as much for his comfort and Lucas'.  
"Why what?" he asked softly.  
"Why did you stop me?" Lucas sobbed out. Nathan gasped in shock.   
"Why did I _stop_ you?!" Nathan repeated incredulously. Lucas sobbed harder, the tears running down his face in sheets. Nathan held him tighter, not believing what he was hearing, not _wanting_ to hear it. "Lucas, I love you. We all do. _I_ don't want you to die, none of us do. Please, don't do this. I don't want to lose you too." At this, Lucas started to sob harder, his breath coming in heaving gasps. Nathan hugged him, his own crying starting to stop as the pain in Lucas' grabbed a hold of him. What he was going through, Nathan couldn't imagine, but he would be there for him. No matter what.  
  
******  
  
Lucas fainted against Nathan's chest, the past week catching up to him in a rush as the adrenaline worked it's way from his body. Nathan stood slowly, being careful not to jar the boy as he made his was over to the rest of the crew. He looked up at Ford as a thought occurred to him.  
"Commander. Who's in charge of the boat?" he asked, concernedly.  
"Lieutenant Macklin sir," he answered. Nathan nodded and started to make his way down to the waiting launch. They had a lot to do once they reached the seaQuest.  
  
******  
  
A few days later, Lucas was sitting on his bunk, glaring at the walls. Dr. Westpahalen had finally released him from Medbay the night before, with strict instructions to call if he needed _anything_. The same "offer" had been made by every senior bridge officer, and he was starting to dread running into any of them. The fear left in their eyes was getting to be too much to take.  
He looked up as a knock sounded on his door. A frown crossed his face when he saw Nathan standing there.  
"What do you want?" he asked sullenly. Nathan sighed. Lucas had been decidedly hostile ever since they'd returned to seaQuest. He would barley talk to anyone, and when he did, it was in short, clipped phrases.  
"Nothing. I just wanted to see if you were all right," Nathan answered. He'd barely left Lucas' side since they'd returned and he started getting nervous if he hadn't seen Lucas in more than ten minutes. He was afraid something would...happen, while he was gone.  
"I'm fine, would you stop hovering over me?!?" Lucas snapped, fed up with everyone's behavior. "I'm not a baby, and I can take care of myself!" Nathan straightened his back.  
"Oh, you mean like you've been doing the past week?" he asked, eyebrow raised. Lucas glared at him/ "Cause you've been doing a "stand out" job."   
"What the hell do you know about it anyway? Huh? Why couldn't you just let me die? Don't you get it? I. Don't. Want. To. Be. _Here. _Anymore!" Nathan's eyes widened.  
"Lucas, if you don't want to be on seaQuest anymore, just tell me. It's not worth k...killing yourself over." Lucas rolled his eyes. Adults could be so _dense_ sometimes!  
"I don't mean the seaQuest. I don't want to be _alive_ anymore. Here, as in earth. Living, whatever, I don't want to do it anymore!" He collapsed onto this bunk, the last words coming out in a sob. Nathan felt all the anger drain out of him, and he went over to sit next to Lucas.  
Rubbing the boy's back he turned his face so that he was looking right at Nathan.  
"Why Lucas?" he asked, almost tearfully, fighting to retain a grip on his emotions. "Why don't you want to be alive anymore?" Lucas sobbed harder, burying his head in his hands. Nathan just sat there, rubbing his back until he calmed down enough to answer.  
Lucas told him about his life, or what he perceived it to be. How his parents didn't care, how he didn't know who he really was. A kid, or a genius, or some weird hybrid. How he wasn't sure where he really fit in. All the pain and anger came pouring out along with the words, and Nathan sat dumbfounded, not believing that he had known Lucas for this long and not realized that he was in _this_ much pain!  
Lucas let the words flow; he wouldn't have been able to stop them, even if he wanted to. Finally, though they did stop, and he lay there, completely spent, the tears drying on his face. He looked up at Nathan, and saw that he had been crying too, and he felt a twinge of remorse at causing his friend pain.  
"God Lucas.....I had no idea." Nathan said. "You need to come to me if you feel this way. I don't know what I can do, but I'll try to help, anyway I can." Surprisingly, Lucas smiled.   
"You have helped me sir. I don't feel so.....so alone right now." Nathan smiled at that. and pulled the boy up into a hug.  
"Anytime you need to talk, or you're just lonely, come get me. Okay? I don't think I can go through another week like this. Please Lucas." He pulled back from Lucas and cupped his face in his hands. "You are too important to me for me to lose you like that. Do you understand?" Lucas' eyes welled up in tears, this time instead of pain, he felt.....peace? Maybe. Joy? No, not yet. Maybe someday. Happiness? No, and maybe not for a long time.  
What he felt was...a sense of belonging. There were people out there who cared about him. People who would help him when the loneliness got so bad he couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't much, but it was a start. Maybe someday, he'd actually come to believe that he deserved it.  
  
THE END

Copyright by Chance 1999 


End file.
